Forgiving Before Forgetting

There has been a recent surge of celebrity divorces displayed on the magazine covers in the grocery checkout line. The typical questions are placed over the photographs in bold print as well.

"What Went Wrong?"

"Were there signs?"

"Did he/she cheat?"

I can tell you what went wrong; they quit making the choice to forgive. That may seem like an obvious statement to make, or a crazy statement, but it is the most absolute and true.

Physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or substance abuse, always validate leaving someone, and in my opinion; the quicker the better. Abuse and addictions are not issues that can be easily worked out or absolved, even with intense therapy. 

Everything else, including infidelity, is negotiable and depends upon one important factor in a marriage; the choice to forgive. Some of you may be thinking that is too wide of a spectrum for negotiable offenses. I know a lot of people for whom infidelity is an absolute deal-breaker. However, I know more than a few people for whom infidelity has been a wake-up call, and a saving grace for their marriage. The decision to forgive your spouse is an individual one that needs to be made often in a marriage. More often than it would seem necessary, but it is the number one most important factor in staying married.

I am pretty angry with my husband at the moment, and he knows it. Last week I wanted to leave him, because I was feeling that hurt and angry. It doesn't matter what he did, if you are married, you know the feeling of wanting to push your own spouse off of a cliff, or smother them in their sleep. You also know if you did kill them you would be upset, because you just killed your own best friend, who now would not be there to comfort you like nobody else can. You would miss them more than anything, so instead you try to hurt them in ways that let them live, but often can kill pieces of your marriage. 

My husband knows that he screwed up. My husband apologized, and I knew that he was truly remorseful. I made the decision to forgive him and move forward, but I am fighting to forget and be truly forgiving. It is an intentional act of my not making snide comments to remind him of his errors. It is a daily exercise of deep breathing, and changing my thought patterns when they begin to turn negatively towards past actions, or behaviors. I chose to forgive my husband, and as I work to forget the most recent transgression so I may arrive at a place of full forgiveness, I must also remember. I must remember all the times my husband has chosen to forgive me. As a fan of most spiritual gurus, I have an even greater gift of forgiveness I must also remember. If you are at all spiritual, you know that every positive belief system focuses on the power of love, and the importance of forgiveness. We must be want we want to receive. This is especially poignant in a marriage.

There are people in our lives who do not necessarily deserve forgiveness. There are people we must learn to forgive for our own hearts to heal. There are people we must struggle to forgive who never ask for forgiveness, or even acknowledge they have wounded us. I struggle with learning to forgive these many people in my own life. I am a work in progress, like many of you. There are people I have forgiven but cannot have in my life, because I am not yet able to forget the pain they have caused. When we forgive someone, we must let go of the past, even if we are unable to forget it, because true forgiveness does not allow us to throw past transgressions in the face of the offender once we have forgiven them.

As many people there may be in this world for me to forgive, there is only one person I made a vow to forgive forever; my husband. Even our children are a different dynamic, where forgiveness is almost an inherent ability; the unconditional love we strive for is more possible towards our children. When we have children we become more automatically tied to them for life, where it seems a struggle for many to view their spouse in the same way.

Romance and love are an ideal, marriage is hard-core reality. The two do not really go together. I believe a marriage can be full of love and romance, but that should not be the basis of a healthy and strong marriage. I have known too many people who are quick to complain about their spouse, but quickly reveal they do not want to put in the hard work and effort themselves. Everyone wants their spouse to make changes, without looking at what they can do to be a better spouse as well. I was once having lunch with a co-worker who had been angry and frustrated with her husband for years. He was a simple man, a friendly enough guy, and he adored her. She sat at our table complaining non-stop about all of the things she wanted from him, but he would not give her, and finally I stopped her and asked if she had ever told him any of the things she was telling me. She looked at me confused and said, "No! He should KNOW!" I stared at her and asked why exactly it was he should know things she was not expressing, or sharing, with him. I questioned why she was putting so much pressure and expectations on a man she had all but shut out for not being a mind-reader. She ended up sharing some of her feelings with him, they went to some marriage counseling sessions, and she discovered her husband was willing to do any work needed to bring them closer together again.

I cannot recommend marital counseling enough and whenever people talk to me about their marriage issues, I will do my best to be a friend and ask them questions that point to their own truths. I am not a counselor though, and the spouse is not present for their side to be shared. This is the attraction of people "sharing" with a friend. The other side, their spouse's, cannot be shared. Therefore, there is no chance to be wrong, or at least not fully right. People make excuses and reason like crazy about why they cannot see a marriage counselor. It typically comes down to one simple reason: fear. Fear of having to deal with one's own flaws, and learning to be forgiving, freaks most people out. It makes me sad, and often frustrated, because that is the one thing that will certainly tear any marriage apart, no matter how strong; the ego. It is a shame too, because an unbiased mediator will be able to help both parties address their issues and be heard in a non-combative manner. Sometimes things can be combative, that is life, but it is how conflicts learn to be resolved which brings growth and healing. Being successfully married takes two people strong enough to humble themselves for one another, most especially during life moments of wanting to do anything but. Communication, and humility are key in a successful marriage. Forgiveness is the key to a successful marriage that lasts until death do you part.

I am not against anyone being able to be married to the person they love. This is not a blog purporting traditional marriage, but one purporting the sanctity of the vows made to one another during the act of getting married. Perhaps the traditional marriage vows should be altered so in place of saying, "I vow to love you forever", couples promise, "I vow to forever forgive you".