I'M AN ADULT, BUT I WOULD LOVE A TIME-OUT

I try to be positive and encouraging when I write these posts. That is my main objective: to encourage others, who may be sharing similar struggles, to not give up. Today I am not feeling very inspiring, or encouraging. Frankly, I could use the encouragement.

I am tired of being an adult at the moment. I am tired of the many things weighing down my shoulders, which are ironically still up by my ears from stress. I am tired of weak and hurtful people. I do not have the energy to put out any longer for those who make no effort of their own. I am tired of the non-stop daily grind of dishwashing, laundry, and toilet scrubbing. Oddly enough, these things are also the most satisfying things I often do as they offer the gift of instant gratification. The sink is dirty, I spray it, wipe it down, and boom- shiny, clean, sink! Not much else in life is as easy to bring to an immediate shine.

I am currently on hold with the IRS. My estimated wait time is forty minutes to an hour. I have attempted to make this call at least five times in the past few months. Each time I have called, waited a minimum of forty minutes, and then been told by an automated operator that they are unable to help me before disconnecting my call. That is more than a tiny bit frustrating. I have sent several letters containing photocopies of the documents they have made an error on, and have received multiple responses that clearly represent nobody has actually read my correspondence. To say I am beyond frustrated is an understatement. 

I have another battle concerning my health insurance company and my birth control pill prescription. I am not even going to get into it in detail, but it is another battle I know I need to fight, but do not really have the energy to deal with. That is what they are hoping for, and how they get away with the many surly acts they submit their clients to. This is why I know I must continue to battle them as well.

There is always the regular stress of paying the bills and figuring out how much to give to which debt, and still manage to keep enough in the bank to cover groceries, gas, and maybe being able to do anything fun as a family on the weekends beyond renting a RedBox movie. It seems like everything costs money, and we are experts at finding things to do that are free, or nearly free. I am more grateful than I can express that my family has more financial stability than the true financially desperate times of the past few years. Not many people understand the recovery process is still overwhelming, and a slow one at that. I have to force myself to stop when I find myself focusing on the custody case that emptied our bank account, or the seemingly never-ending days of my husband being out of work. I must look forward and just keep doing the best I can to help us get where we want to be.

I am trying to figure out a way to balance all of these things and still make time for myself. I am sort of emotionally "losing it" at the moment. I believe it is just the ability to finally allow the stress and angst of the past few years to emerge and work it's way out of my being to allow me to fully heal. Healing is hard and can take a long time. I am constantly reminding myself to be patient with myself and accept that I have a form of emotional and mental C-PTSD. 

There are many human relationships that continue to add to the stress and make things more difficult to heal and forgive. I read a quote the other day that said, "I thought when I grew up that adults would act like grown-ups." Brilliantly true. Most of them are still children, wearing suits and high heels, with spoiled-brat mentalities. If I have one more person tell me how they are broke, yet go on vacations as they please and fill their homes with things like big-screen televisions and designer handbags, I may just start screaming like a lunatic right there on the spot. I am tired of people in general thinking they can wipe their dirty feet on me like a doormat and then acting confused when I get upset about it. I am blessed to have a few quality people in my life who are working to be as adult as they are able. I am a strong believer in quality over quantity when it comes to my circle of family and friends.

Being married is not easy, especially when you have been through the wringer, and we are currently doing what feels like a never-ending cha-cha; two steps forward, two steps back. I have given up Zumba until our dance calms down. I worry if I am being a good enough mother for my children as I struggle to devour every day with my little girl while she is still small, and figure out how to rebuild a relationship with a son who is no longer living in my home. A son I was close to for his entire life, and whom I miss very much.

I have been debating finding a job with the meager credentials I have, or pursuing my dream of writing something beyond a blog. Something of much more substance and depth, to be published. Writing is a scary thing to take on. I am afraid of being a failure and then having wasted time I could have been making a paycheck, albeit a small one. I fear not taking the chance even more, and looking back one day and thinking, "I should have....".

I just feel tired. An all-encompassing tired, not just a physical tired.
I recently made a pledge to myself to go to yoga class as often as I am able. I know the time forcing myself to just "be" is an excellent medicine for emotional and physical healing. Running is also an excellent form of meditation for me and I am looking forward to the bright blue skies and crisp cool air of Autumn.

I hope I was not a bummer today, but I just needed to be for real and let you know I struggle too. It will be okay. We all have days where we feel we can conquer the world, and other days where we just want to hide under a blanket. I guess I am in a Linus phase at the moment, where I at least want to carry my blanket around with me.