They Handed Me the Scissors

Fairly recently, a new friend turned on me, suddenly and viciously. Honestly, it was not that surprising once I thought about who the person had already shown me they are. Selfish, spoiled, people are usually exactly that, no matter how much we may try to convince ourselves otherwise. We all do that; ignore who and what we know people truly are, in hopes that they will somehow magically morph into the people we want them to be. I immediately addressed the fact with this person that they had been hurtful and out of line. I pointed out that I had been nothing but supportive and loving to them since the beginning of our friendship. I then told them I was deciding to forgive them, and ended the friendship. 

Another friend, who has been a friend for many years, recently hurt me as well. Once again, I went straight to my friend and shared my hurt. I was told I was taking things to a level that shocked them, which in translation means they were refusing to take ownership of their part in hurting me. I have not ended that friendship, but that was strike two in a three year span that has shown me I have been correct to guard my heart with that person, and will do so even more in the future. I have two sisters I have had to distance myself from in the past year as well, and it makes me so much more sad than anyone would imagine. My tolerance has lowered immensely for people who are unable to acknowledge their part in hurting my heart, or who seem to think they are able to go through life treating others like garbage. People who are unable to make time for me in their life, or make me feel dismissed, are no longer people I will make any effort towards having in my life.

I am grateful for my lowered tolerance of others in this sense. I am grateful, because it is evidence of growth in my own self-worth, and self-love. I have been a doormat for most of my life and it has always hurt and frustrated me. I have been kind, giving, generous, loving, and repeatedly taken advantage of and hurt. I have been violated in almost every way possible at the minds, and hands, of others. I finally reached a point of realization that this was a chronic issue, because I allowed it.
No more.

I have cut an overwhelming amount of people from my life over the past few years, and to be honest, I have no regrets. They were all toxic and negative forces bringing me down. I want to be surrounded by people who lift me up and help me to be my best self, not some watered down version of myself, or my worst self. It may seem to some that I am cold-hearted and unforgiving, but I assure you this is not true. I am guilty, if anything, of having been overly forgiving in the past, to many, and it has been hurtful to me. I cannot allow myself to be hurt any longer, and am learning to protect myself.

My life has not been an easy journey, and the last four years almost destroyed me. Both my husband and I reached a point, separately, of seriously contemplating suicide due to the level of absolute distress the last four years caused us. People seemingly do not understand, or take us seriously, when we attempt to share just how damaged we were by what we went through. Neither one of us truly wanted to end our lives, we wanted to end our pain and suffering. That absolutely breaks my heart, but I am happy to say we are on a shared path to recovery, and somehow fought through those dark and overwhelming days. We have literally been fighting for our lives and therefore, do not have the time and energy for other people's issues. We certainly do not have the time and energy for people who expel negative energy, play games, and drag us down. We are kind and loving people, but we are not doormats, or punching bags. 

I genuinely desire to possess a heart capable of loving the most flawed and hurtful human beings. It is what every great spiritual guru teaches; love is the greatest gift to give, and the greatest healer of heartache. When we are able to love, forgiveness is easy. What is not easy, is to love, or forgive, people who are continually causing pain and distress in our lives. I have found it much easier to focus on forgiving those who are hurtful, and allowing my heart to feel love for them, once I have removed them from my life. Not everyone gets to be a part of my life, and now that I value myself more, I understand this better.

When doctors finds cancer in a body, the immediate plan of action, when possible, is to cut it out. Nobody ever argues with the doctor and asks them to leave the cancer inside, where it can fester and grow, and make us even more sick, or die. So many of us allow people who are soul-cancers to stay in our lives, and they make us sick. They affect our lives, our well-being, our state of mind, even our physical health. Not only do we allow these cancer-humans to remain in our lives, we make excuses for them as to why they should get to stay. I have never heard anyone defending a cancerous tumor and say it could stay, because after all, it is a cancerous tumor. It is not its fault that it is causing damage, that is just what cancerous tumors do. We protect our bodies, but allow much damage to our souls.

I encourage you to take a good look at your life and see if the people around you are lifting you up, or dragging you down. It is often not easy to walk away from toxic people in our lives, it can even seem almost impossible, but it is more difficult when we allow them to stay. Life is short and often quite difficult to navigate. I personally want people who put wind into my sails, not people working overtime to make me capsize into stormy waters. Now that I have recognized my self-worth, I have begun to attract others into my life who recognize it too. I wish the same for you. You too, are worthy.