One day last week, I was having a rough day, for multiple reasons. My daughter is an insanely intuitive little girl with an enormous capacity for compassion, a true gift she is. She had been watching me struggle through the day, and had been giving me extra hugs and kisses here and there, with ongoing reassurances that she loves me, and I am a great mommy. At one point I thanked her pointedly and told her how much her support to me had meant that day. She replied, "You are a great mommy! You teach me all about everything, but you also teach my mind and my heart. Life is really hard, Mommy, and you are doing a good job to help me learn that!"
What the....six years old. How on Earth God ever thought I was equipped to raise a child as aware as my daughter is beyond me. I struggle to balance the things she needs to know to be prepared for the world and it's ugliness, as much as the things I never want her to have to know, but certainly are not to be known until a later age.
Most of the mornings I wake up to any given news page, or even a social media feed, are mornings I wish I myself could become a small and more innocent child once again. I can barely read the headlines without feeling sick to my stomach, and of course the media loves to encourage the negative aspects of the world which can make the world seem like a very dark and ugly place. In many ways it is. It is a terrifying and scary place, and letting our children even go to school has created an anxiety in many parents that is unprecedented. Nobody likes to talk about the fact that they fear for their children's lives every day they have to stick them on a school-bus, or the fact that going to a movie could be the last thing you ever do if you go on the same day as a psychopathic mass-murderer. There are countless cities and towns, right here in The United States, where people are dying from diseases caused by dirty drinking water, and children are starving. There are countless cities and towns where mothers, and fathers, are afraid of their children being shot or killed, just because of the place they live in, or the color of their skin, or even because of who they are in love with.
It is pretty damn hard raising children you love more than anything you could ever imagine loving, and wanting to protect them with every ounce of your being, yet having to subject them to the world we live in. Even more terrifying is when we begin to realize that we are not able to be with them every step of their way. Protecting our children, even in our own homes, is an illusion many parents fight to believe they are capable of. The only way to let them live, is to let them go.
I have an older child who is now out in the world, on his own, and struggling to figure things out. He is a bit of a mess, as most of us were as young adults, and yet I already view him as a complete success as a human being. He is trying to figure out how to be a functioning adult, without the help of his parents, and learning how to do all the things required to obtain the future he wants to have. There are many things my son has left to learn, and while I would love to still hold his hand, and help him, I have taught him almost everything I have been able to teach him. He has also learned many things, and often because of me, that I wish he would not have learned, at least not while so young.
I would like to share exactly what makes my son a success as a human being, and why as many times I may have failed as a mother, I constantly remind myself to believe I did a good job overall.
My son is not a bigot, or a racist. He holds doors, and says please and thank you. My son is a hard worker who knows things are not just given to any of us in life, unless we have a silver spoon in our mouth. He also knows that many people who are sucking on silver spoons often have tarnished souls. My son is a loyal person, and he is not a liar. He has an overwhelming compassion for the less fortunate, and has made it one of his life-goals to work with the mentally and physically challenged community. He does not like politicians who do not care about the majority, and understands that respect is something earned, and control is a tool for weak leaders. Thanks to an endless supply of poor examples along our family journey, he has assuredly learned not to put any person in positions of leadership on a pedestal, unless he wants to feel the pain when they fall. The biggest thing I am most proud of however, is that my husband (his step-father) and I have raised a human being who is different than most. Someone who can add a light to the world in place of increasing the darkness of it. Even better, we raised him to be a good and decent human being while sharing custody with someone who was a constant example of evil, and did their best to make our personal world a very dark place. That is indeed a huge personal triumph, and an example of what I believe success means.
The 21 years of time I was gifted to help guide my little boy into adulthood went passing by like a speeding train. Many of those years did not feel like they were going quickly while I was living them, but looking back seems like a movie trailer, flashing memories that show our entire story at top speed. I will always be his momma, but my years of hands-on care and center-of-his-world influence are long gone. I am learning to make peace with it, even on the days it rips my heart into shreds and I wish I had more time with him. Time to do more, be more, teach more. I did the best I could raising my son, and as messed up, troubled, distracted, young, or any of the things any of us are that make us question ourselves as parents; I was better than I ever thought. I was honest with him, to a fault, and he never, ever, ever, ever, doubted my love for him. My husband joined our family when my son was four years old and always loved him as his own. We have helped add a good human being to society, and now have the gift of getting to do it all over again.
This world is full of sadness and horrors, and many of us struggle to process it. I know so many people who spend too much of their time focusing on these negatives, and it affects them deeply. An overload of dismal news leaves our souls filled with anxiety and fear, and provokes efforts do anything we are able to have control. I have been guilty of this myself many times throughout my life. We must defend our mental and spiritual well-being by focusing on the positives. I am much older now as I am raising my little girl, but I am not really any less fearful, or anxious, about her than I was about her brother. If anything, I am more fearful and anxious, because I view the evil of the world as an even greater threat to females. I survive though, because more than I fear the evil, I embrace the good. The world does have an abundance of beauty in it. It is our job not only to seek this beauty out, but to create it.
The absolute divine gift of parenthood, is being able to contribute to the beauty and the good. Nobody cares if your kid gets into the best schools in the world, and makes millions of dollars, if they are an asshole. Nobody cares how much you taught your kids about any given religion if they walk around full of judgment and piousness. It is definitely not a positive addition to the world to raise human beings who commit crimes in the name of religion, or spread hatred. What most people are at their core, is exactly what they raise their children to be as well. We cannot ignore the influence of nurture or nature when it comes to humanity.
If you are not a parent yourself, you undoubtedly have access and influence to young people in your life. I encourage you, along with those of you who do have your own children, to do your best to make a difference in the lives of the children you are blessed to have influence over. Encourage them and lift them up at every opportunity you are given. Always be an example of goodness, and remember they are watching you, whether you think they are or not. Be an example of gratitude and giving, even when you feel there is not much to be thankful for, or to share. I strongly encourage being honest and open with the children in your life, they almost never ask questions they are not ready to hear the answers to. Tell them things, at an appropriate level of sharing, while they are young enough to absorb them without prejudice. Share your views of the world, but encourage them to question things and form their own thoughts and opinions. They are their own amazing little humans, after all.
I struggle to share these things because while I am proud of my family, I do not profess perfection in any way. In fact, it is because of the absolute lack of perfection that causes me to feel pride at all. Somehow, we did it. Somehow in the midst of our own mess as struggling and striving adults, my husband and I still turned out a more than decent human being. I give much credit to God/The Universe as well since we prayed more than people would ever imagine. I give credit to the family and friends who helped us survive during the storms life has thrown our way. I do not ever claim to be the sole reason my son has turned out to be an amazing human being, but I do claim some of the credit. I am blessed to know there have been multiple other children I have been able to love and influence along my journey as well. My husband and I have helped love and care for many children in our lives over the years, as well as my working professionally with many children who desperately needed love and a positive influence. I have no idea how many more may be in my, or our, future, but I will do my best to help them learn to shine their lights if I am blessed to do so.
Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world". I say to be the change, and also teach the children in your life to be that difference as well.
Most of the mornings I wake up to any given news page, or even a social media feed, are mornings I wish I myself could become a small and more innocent child once again. I can barely read the headlines without feeling sick to my stomach, and of course the media loves to encourage the negative aspects of the world which can make the world seem like a very dark and ugly place. In many ways it is. It is a terrifying and scary place, and letting our children even go to school has created an anxiety in many parents that is unprecedented. Nobody likes to talk about the fact that they fear for their children's lives every day they have to stick them on a school-bus, or the fact that going to a movie could be the last thing you ever do if you go on the same day as a psychopathic mass-murderer. There are countless cities and towns, right here in The United States, where people are dying from diseases caused by dirty drinking water, and children are starving. There are countless cities and towns where mothers, and fathers, are afraid of their children being shot or killed, just because of the place they live in, or the color of their skin, or even because of who they are in love with.
It is pretty damn hard raising children you love more than anything you could ever imagine loving, and wanting to protect them with every ounce of your being, yet having to subject them to the world we live in. Even more terrifying is when we begin to realize that we are not able to be with them every step of their way. Protecting our children, even in our own homes, is an illusion many parents fight to believe they are capable of. The only way to let them live, is to let them go.
I would like to share exactly what makes my son a success as a human being, and why as many times I may have failed as a mother, I constantly remind myself to believe I did a good job overall.
My son is not a bigot, or a racist. He holds doors, and says please and thank you. My son is a hard worker who knows things are not just given to any of us in life, unless we have a silver spoon in our mouth. He also knows that many people who are sucking on silver spoons often have tarnished souls. My son is a loyal person, and he is not a liar. He has an overwhelming compassion for the less fortunate, and has made it one of his life-goals to work with the mentally and physically challenged community. He does not like politicians who do not care about the majority, and understands that respect is something earned, and control is a tool for weak leaders. Thanks to an endless supply of poor examples along our family journey, he has assuredly learned not to put any person in positions of leadership on a pedestal, unless he wants to feel the pain when they fall. The biggest thing I am most proud of however, is that my husband (his step-father) and I have raised a human being who is different than most. Someone who can add a light to the world in place of increasing the darkness of it. Even better, we raised him to be a good and decent human being while sharing custody with someone who was a constant example of evil, and did their best to make our personal world a very dark place. That is indeed a huge personal triumph, and an example of what I believe success means.
The 21 years of time I was gifted to help guide my little boy into adulthood went passing by like a speeding train. Many of those years did not feel like they were going quickly while I was living them, but looking back seems like a movie trailer, flashing memories that show our entire story at top speed. I will always be his momma, but my years of hands-on care and center-of-his-world influence are long gone. I am learning to make peace with it, even on the days it rips my heart into shreds and I wish I had more time with him. Time to do more, be more, teach more. I did the best I could raising my son, and as messed up, troubled, distracted, young, or any of the things any of us are that make us question ourselves as parents; I was better than I ever thought. I was honest with him, to a fault, and he never, ever, ever, ever, doubted my love for him. My husband joined our family when my son was four years old and always loved him as his own. We have helped add a good human being to society, and now have the gift of getting to do it all over again.
This world is full of sadness and horrors, and many of us struggle to process it. I know so many people who spend too much of their time focusing on these negatives, and it affects them deeply. An overload of dismal news leaves our souls filled with anxiety and fear, and provokes efforts do anything we are able to have control. I have been guilty of this myself many times throughout my life. We must defend our mental and spiritual well-being by focusing on the positives. I am much older now as I am raising my little girl, but I am not really any less fearful, or anxious, about her than I was about her brother. If anything, I am more fearful and anxious, because I view the evil of the world as an even greater threat to females. I survive though, because more than I fear the evil, I embrace the good. The world does have an abundance of beauty in it. It is our job not only to seek this beauty out, but to create it.
The absolute divine gift of parenthood, is being able to contribute to the beauty and the good. Nobody cares if your kid gets into the best schools in the world, and makes millions of dollars, if they are an asshole. Nobody cares how much you taught your kids about any given religion if they walk around full of judgment and piousness. It is definitely not a positive addition to the world to raise human beings who commit crimes in the name of religion, or spread hatred. What most people are at their core, is exactly what they raise their children to be as well. We cannot ignore the influence of nurture or nature when it comes to humanity.
If you are not a parent yourself, you undoubtedly have access and influence to young people in your life. I encourage you, along with those of you who do have your own children, to do your best to make a difference in the lives of the children you are blessed to have influence over. Encourage them and lift them up at every opportunity you are given. Always be an example of goodness, and remember they are watching you, whether you think they are or not. Be an example of gratitude and giving, even when you feel there is not much to be thankful for, or to share. I strongly encourage being honest and open with the children in your life, they almost never ask questions they are not ready to hear the answers to. Tell them things, at an appropriate level of sharing, while they are young enough to absorb them without prejudice. Share your views of the world, but encourage them to question things and form their own thoughts and opinions. They are their own amazing little humans, after all.
I struggle to share these things because while I am proud of my family, I do not profess perfection in any way. In fact, it is because of the absolute lack of perfection that causes me to feel pride at all. Somehow, we did it. Somehow in the midst of our own mess as struggling and striving adults, my husband and I still turned out a more than decent human being. I give much credit to God/The Universe as well since we prayed more than people would ever imagine. I give credit to the family and friends who helped us survive during the storms life has thrown our way. I do not ever claim to be the sole reason my son has turned out to be an amazing human being, but I do claim some of the credit. I am blessed to know there have been multiple other children I have been able to love and influence along my journey as well. My husband and I have helped love and care for many children in our lives over the years, as well as my working professionally with many children who desperately needed love and a positive influence. I have no idea how many more may be in my, or our, future, but I will do my best to help them learn to shine their lights if I am blessed to do so.
Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world". I say to be the change, and also teach the children in your life to be that difference as well.
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